Sometimes things don’t depend on us – they just take place on life’s merry-go-round. I truly believe that when you want something bad enough, your internal desire becomes a message to the Universe and she sends you gifts.  

One such precious gift to me was Sir G.

I needed a man with views close to mine, with whom I could share common emotions. To find someone for sex was easy, so easy, it was even comical. There were so many, like dogs waiting in line.

I was in a period where I often refused, didn’t do anything. I felt a lack. I was surrounded by attention but felt lonely.

Until a man told me about him. He introduced him as an admirer of games and things a bit stranger, with a games apartment at his disposal. He spoke in a veiled and round-about way, probably so as to not scare me. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t scared, even the opposite – my curiosity was growing. My imagination painted deadly figures, unclear, and magnetizing. As if I knew something, though in reality didn’t know a thing.

I was inquiring of him but didn’t come across anything different from what was already known. A lover of games, a bit non-standard.

Games.

But what were these games and how many could there have been? Five, ten, fifty, one hundred? I imagined certain vibrators and balls. I had experience with such things. From time to time, it happened for someone to screw me with a vibrator. I even had a miniature one, more so for clit games, but forgot it while visiting a hotel with a honey.

Around this mysterious man, I began studying the games theme. Not that I’d fallen from the moon, but still… There are so many pictures and sites that one can lose themselves in the internet. I was searching and searching…

From pink bunnies and dolphins, ball-shaped, long rubber ones, to huge black, even inflated ones. I got small shivers, only from looking at the metal ones, especially the gynecological instruments. I looked at pictures of spread apart women’s vaginas; I had the feeling that I “creeped into” the womb, and the look of the reddish-pink internal organs wasn’t especially erotic to me. I wondered whether this man fell for that stuff also…

In general, I wasn’t finding anything worrisome, on the contrary – I was awfully curious. However, it’s one thing to simply observe, and another to be spread open and to be poked around.

I corresponded with the “mediator” and couldn’t wait. The mister traveled and was very busy. I had to wait.

During our conversations the concept of BDSM wasn’t mentioned even once. The person arranging our date had to have known, but the fact is that he didn’t say a word in front of me.

Not that that would’ve stopped me. He could’ve only made me more curious, captivated, and wanting.

But also scared.

You do understand… that’s destiny… it leads my mind and feelings like a magical wand… I was like a puppy on a leash.

When I go back in time, I recall my collision with coercive desires… In addition, that I liked them.

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From “Perverse games” by Ema Tomova